dating

Boo, Don't Be A Ghost

I really wanted to post this blog on Halloween because I couldn’t get over how funny that was to me. Oh well…I didn’t get around to writing it, so I am now. 

Recently, friends, I was ghosted. SAY WHAT? Yes, it’s true. I will spare you all of the details (you’re crushed, right? Because you want all of the details don’t you…haha) well, I will spare the deets because I’m a nice person and well, I’d like to stay a nice person :)

But, let’s just say I was talking to a guy for a couple months…we’d gone out a few times (the person didn’t live in the same state as me) and then this person was going on a trip and was going to be without cell service and said "he’d text when he was back in service" AND THEN I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. 

Totes true story. It was the weirdest. Like, just never.again. Nothing. Now, I have no plans to talk about him for the rest of the blog. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I want to talk about you and me and this new epidemic called GHOSTING

Why do we ghost? We ghost because we lack courage, good people. I’m guilty of it too. And don’t think that ghosting is just for dating relationships or those scenarios…it’s not. Here’s a recent example: I missed calling my niece on her birthday and when I remembered two days late, I didn’t want to call. I wanted to ghost because I didn’t want to face the fact that I forgot to call. I was feeling guilt and a bit of shame, but I knew that I didn’t want to be a ghost...so I called and guess what—she didn’t care! She was just happy I called :)

So, what’s the antidote to ghosting? COURAGE. Have courage and don’t be a ghost. We ghost because we don’t want to have the hard conversation or face the uncomfortable truth/circumstances and potentially have to do something hard. But, we can do hard things and doing those hard things will keep you from being a ghost. 

I honestly think there are few things worse than being dropped or ghosted. Leaving someone else to try and answer questions in total silence is just cruel and mean and we should all go out of our ways to not leave people in the dust. If you are dating someone and you want to stop, SAY THAT. If you’re in a friendship where you don’t want to hang any longer, find a nice way to COMMUNICATE that. Don’t leave people in the silence. 

I laughed the other day watching Pride & Prejudice because ghosting was around even way back then. Jane’s suitor, Mr. Bingley, just drops off the face of the planet. He totally ghosts her. But, he comes to his senses (finally!) and goes to her and says one of the best, best quotes of the whole movie: "First, I must tell you I've been the most unmitigated and comprehensive ass."

YES. He owns it. He doesn’t squander his words or make excuses. He straight-up knows that he’s been an ass by ghosting and he isn’t afraid to admit it. 

Let’s all take a good cue from Mr. Bingley and own our mistakes. Let’s own the times we’ve lacked courage. Who have you ghosted that you owe a phone call to? Or an email or text? All it takes is a bit of courage and honesty. No need to make excuses, just say you’re sorry and carry-on.

Mr. Bingley then immediately proposes to her…maybe don’t do that. Hahaaa….

Anyway, have courage, and BOO...don’t be a ghost. 

Love you all!

Kate

Some Thoughts On Dating #31Days2016

Ah dating. Isn’t it just the best ever? (insert a wee bit of sarcasm here.)

But seriously. I have some thoughts. To both men and women about the dating scene. Here’s what I’d like to say:

Can we please get out of the phase where guys don’t ask girls out on dates anymore? That used to be a thing, you know. None of this “let’s hang out" BS. Men, be intentional. And ladies, if a guy asks you out, please don’t start planning a wedding or get upset if he doesn’t call you back for a second date. 

A date, if I understand correctly, is to test the waters to see if you want to start dating (a verb) and the point of dating is to see if you want to enter into a relationship (noun.)

I was talking to a guy friend of mine who is quite a bit younger than I am and he kept saying things like: “I can’t ask her out on a date, she’ll think I’m really serious. I just ask her to hang-out a few times until I see if I want to date her.” I see his point, but I think, to be fair to all parties involved, we need to have a limit to how many times we “hang out.” I say you get one hang-out time to see if you want to date or not. Other than that, wires can get crossed and mixed signals can get sent. Amirite? From a woman’s perspective, it can be confusing to have a guy want to spend intentional time with you, alone, but not have it be called a date...you are left wondering if he’s looking for a new “pal” or even worse, “buddy.” 

Or you can cross into the “friends who just make-out occasionally” category real fast. And while that’s fun for a hot second, it’s not what’s going to bring fulfillment if one of the parties involved actually wants to be dating or in a relationship.

So, guys. Ask girls out on dates. Doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. It can go something like this: 

“Hey _____. I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me?” (If she says yes, follow to bullet point A. If she says no, follow to bullet point B.)

Awesome. Do you like hiking? There’s a great trail/park I know. How does Thursday sound? OR Awesome. Do you like coffee? I have a favorite little coffee shop that has a great latte. Does Sunday afternoon work for you? 

Ok, cool. Thanks for being honest with me. Hope you enjoy your week.

Easy peazy...as we learned from Monica in FRIENDS, keep it BREEZY people.

The real benefit I see of this is that it keeps communication clear and everyone is on the same page. No drama. No games. No wondering if the other person just wants a new friend or actually is interested in you. Dating is the time in life to explore, to see what you like, who makes you giddy with excitement, etc. 

I realize this might be silly coming from a single girl, but, I’m just being honest and passing along some observations. 

Go ahead now. Date away.

Some Thoughts On Getting Over People

Maybe I'm an expert in getting over people since I haven't found someone yet. A few years back we wrote a song called "Never Over You" based on a relationship I was just getting out of. It wrecked me. I mean it was awful. I honestly thought I would never get over this guy.  But the good news is if you find yourself in a similar situation...I'm totally over him now. So there is hope for you too.

Someone asked me recently about the song and how I got over this guy so that's what sparked this blog. If one person is asking me about getting over someone, maybe there are more people that need to hear that they are not alone in the long, hard journey of getting over someone.

My quick answer of what helped me get over him? Therapy. Yup, I actually went to therapy. I always freaked out about therapy for two reasons: 1) How scary it must be having a total stranger interrogate you & have to tell them all of your innermost thoughts. 2) It's expensive. I'll address #2 first. Therapy can be expensive but I think it's invaluable. Mental health and stability can CHANGE YOUR WORLD. If you can have your head, heart and emotions in good working condition, facing any situation in life can be easier. Plus, when I called around to a few places I found a woman who was doing her practicum hours as she had just gotten her PhD. Everything was the same except she was half the price. Hallelujah. So, if you are looking for a therapist, maybe ask a few places you call to see if they have similar people there.

Now onto #1, therapists do not work for the CIA but they are kind of tricky...here's the trick: they really don't do most of the talking. They don't fire away a million intrusive questions. They do a lot of listening. They ask the right questions to help you navigate your own thoughts. Then they listen some more. They can evaluate situations without knowing every sorted detail or without taking sides--this is the difference between a therapist and talking to your Aunt Susie. And my biggest high-five for therapists or counselors...they can see patterns and help you identify why they started in the first place.

Ding, ding, ding...that's where I found some healing. This guy was a pattern for me. He was the same guy, with a different name but the same story.

*I will give credit to Jill, my BFF, who did point this out long before I entered therapy. She was all..."Kate, you are dating the same guy. Over and over....and they aren't good for you." I was all like...."Whaaaat? That is so not true." But, she was right. Now, let's not focus on this part too much ;)

Moving right along. So, why was I picking these relationships that weren't good for me? Why was I doing it to myself if the outcome was horrible? Well, during therapy I established some patterns that started long before my dating life started. Childhood. I think it's safe to say that most adult problems can be traced back to childhood wounds. I had a great childhood with two devoted & incredibly loving parents. But no matter how peachy your childhood was, as a kid you start to believe a narrative about yourself. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, that narrative needed some clarifying. Some re-programming. That's where my healing started. I started to change the pattern.

I think that's also why I've dated a lot less since then. The usual guys I would generally be drawn to via my old narrative I don't find appealing anymore. I don't need them anymore because they have no place in my current narrative of who I am. Those relationships would be reinforcing a narrative that I've given up. Re-programmed. It's taken some time to find different types of guys that fit in with making me the healthiest I can be.

Ugh, reflecting on the "Never Over You" guy still makes me a little anxious. He just stopped communicating with me, then would lead me on, then cut me off again. I would spend all my energy and time thinking about this guy. We were not living in the same place so that made things extra difficult. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone--sure that I had missed a call or text. But nope. Nothing. I couldn't even sit through a movie without checking my phone constantly. But here's the catch. He just didn't care. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't think he's evil or anything. He and I just had very different ideas of what it meant to be in the kind of relationship we were in.

I wish I could have seen then and understood this: if someone does not have the decency to take time to talk with you or text you back THEY PROBABLY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Delete them from your phone and from social media. Good Lord, the social media. People, you will never get over someone if you are seeing their every move each waking hour of the day. Delete, delete, delete. It's torture for you and only you. I promise that if you can cut them out of your life you will see that life does go on and it does get better. Surround yourself with quality people that ask you questions. People that care about your goals and dreams. Be a good friend back. Be a cheerleader for those around you and you will never lack friends and I am telling you...it might take a bit of time but you WILL get over him or her.  The bad relationship is not the end all.

I think for a while I also felt ridiculous for getting myself into the situation. For letting myself feel and care so much. I felt stupid. I kept thinking that I should've known better. You might be feeling that way too. But guess what? You & I are human. Sometimes we do things (including caring for people we shouldn't) that might not serve us best. But, we can get out of those situations. One day at a time. By changing the pattern.

In looking at the lyrics now--Jill and I wrote this when I was sooo deep in the situation of needing/missing this guy but I already knew the answer. The lyrics say, " i’ve been alone since i found you" and "i’ve been lost since i found you" meaning that even when we were together I was alone and lost. He wasn't good for me from the start. Ugh. Song-writing...sometimes it tells you everything you never wanted to know.

If you're reading this and don't know the song I keep referring to...I posted the song & lyrics below.

Readers of this blog...if you are in need of empowerment today: know that you CAN and WILL get over this situation. From one broken-hearted girl to another....you can do it. We are all in this together. Don't feel alone.

Sending lots of love through the clicking of my keyboard...

-kate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxFu1YmSQSo

“never over you”

it’s been 18 days without you

and everything is wrong

i’ve been alone since i found you

i’m never where i belong

now

if we ever meet again

do you think

do you think we could try

when you wake up in the night

i hope i’m

i hope i’m on your mind

i hope i’m on your mind

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

i’ve seen a million faces

since i’ve been back in town

but i’ve been lost since i found you

always searching for you in the crowd

now

if we ever meet again

do you think

do you think we could try

when you wake up in the night

i hope i’m

i hope I’m on your mind

i hope i’m on your mind

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

i’m holding out for you

i’m holding onto you

i’m holding onto you

to pull me through

to pull me through

to you

to you

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

(c) jillandkate, 2011.