Some Thoughts On Getting Over People

Maybe I'm an expert in getting over people since I haven't found someone yet. A few years back we wrote a song called "Never Over You" based on a relationship I was just getting out of. It wrecked me. I mean it was awful. I honestly thought I would never get over this guy.  But the good news is if you find yourself in a similar situation...I'm totally over him now. So there is hope for you too.

Someone asked me recently about the song and how I got over this guy so that's what sparked this blog. If one person is asking me about getting over someone, maybe there are more people that need to hear that they are not alone in the long, hard journey of getting over someone.

My quick answer of what helped me get over him? Therapy. Yup, I actually went to therapy. I always freaked out about therapy for two reasons: 1) How scary it must be having a total stranger interrogate you & have to tell them all of your innermost thoughts. 2) It's expensive. I'll address #2 first. Therapy can be expensive but I think it's invaluable. Mental health and stability can CHANGE YOUR WORLD. If you can have your head, heart and emotions in good working condition, facing any situation in life can be easier. Plus, when I called around to a few places I found a woman who was doing her practicum hours as she had just gotten her PhD. Everything was the same except she was half the price. Hallelujah. So, if you are looking for a therapist, maybe ask a few places you call to see if they have similar people there.

Now onto #1, therapists do not work for the CIA but they are kind of tricky...here's the trick: they really don't do most of the talking. They don't fire away a million intrusive questions. They do a lot of listening. They ask the right questions to help you navigate your own thoughts. Then they listen some more. They can evaluate situations without knowing every sorted detail or without taking sides--this is the difference between a therapist and talking to your Aunt Susie. And my biggest high-five for therapists or counselors...they can see patterns and help you identify why they started in the first place.

Ding, ding, ding...that's where I found some healing. This guy was a pattern for me. He was the same guy, with a different name but the same story.

*I will give credit to Jill, my BFF, who did point this out long before I entered therapy. She was all..."Kate, you are dating the same guy. Over and over....and they aren't good for you." I was all like...."Whaaaat? That is so not true." But, she was right. Now, let's not focus on this part too much ;)

Moving right along. So, why was I picking these relationships that weren't good for me? Why was I doing it to myself if the outcome was horrible? Well, during therapy I established some patterns that started long before my dating life started. Childhood. I think it's safe to say that most adult problems can be traced back to childhood wounds. I had a great childhood with two devoted & incredibly loving parents. But no matter how peachy your childhood was, as a kid you start to believe a narrative about yourself. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, that narrative needed some clarifying. Some re-programming. That's where my healing started. I started to change the pattern.

I think that's also why I've dated a lot less since then. The usual guys I would generally be drawn to via my old narrative I don't find appealing anymore. I don't need them anymore because they have no place in my current narrative of who I am. Those relationships would be reinforcing a narrative that I've given up. Re-programmed. It's taken some time to find different types of guys that fit in with making me the healthiest I can be.

Ugh, reflecting on the "Never Over You" guy still makes me a little anxious. He just stopped communicating with me, then would lead me on, then cut me off again. I would spend all my energy and time thinking about this guy. We were not living in the same place so that made things extra difficult. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone--sure that I had missed a call or text. But nope. Nothing. I couldn't even sit through a movie without checking my phone constantly. But here's the catch. He just didn't care. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't think he's evil or anything. He and I just had very different ideas of what it meant to be in the kind of relationship we were in.

I wish I could have seen then and understood this: if someone does not have the decency to take time to talk with you or text you back THEY PROBABLY ARE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. Delete them from your phone and from social media. Good Lord, the social media. People, you will never get over someone if you are seeing their every move each waking hour of the day. Delete, delete, delete. It's torture for you and only you. I promise that if you can cut them out of your life you will see that life does go on and it does get better. Surround yourself with quality people that ask you questions. People that care about your goals and dreams. Be a good friend back. Be a cheerleader for those around you and you will never lack friends and I am telling you...it might take a bit of time but you WILL get over him or her.  The bad relationship is not the end all.

I think for a while I also felt ridiculous for getting myself into the situation. For letting myself feel and care so much. I felt stupid. I kept thinking that I should've known better. You might be feeling that way too. But guess what? You & I are human. Sometimes we do things (including caring for people we shouldn't) that might not serve us best. But, we can get out of those situations. One day at a time. By changing the pattern.

In looking at the lyrics now--Jill and I wrote this when I was sooo deep in the situation of needing/missing this guy but I already knew the answer. The lyrics say, " i’ve been alone since i found you" and "i’ve been lost since i found you" meaning that even when we were together I was alone and lost. He wasn't good for me from the start. Ugh. Song-writing...sometimes it tells you everything you never wanted to know.

If you're reading this and don't know the song I keep referring to...I posted the song & lyrics below.

Readers of this blog...if you are in need of empowerment today: know that you CAN and WILL get over this situation. From one broken-hearted girl to another....you can do it. We are all in this together. Don't feel alone.

Sending lots of love through the clicking of my keyboard...

-kate

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxFu1YmSQSo

“never over you”

it’s been 18 days without you

and everything is wrong

i’ve been alone since i found you

i’m never where i belong

now

if we ever meet again

do you think

do you think we could try

when you wake up in the night

i hope i’m

i hope i’m on your mind

i hope i’m on your mind

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

i’ve seen a million faces

since i’ve been back in town

but i’ve been lost since i found you

always searching for you in the crowd

now

if we ever meet again

do you think

do you think we could try

when you wake up in the night

i hope i’m

i hope I’m on your mind

i hope i’m on your mind

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

i’m holding out for you

i’m holding onto you

i’m holding onto you

to pull me through

to pull me through

to you

to you

cause i’m

never over you

never over you

(c) jillandkate, 2011.