It's A Trap

I’m just going to ramble here for a second. Stay with me...or don’t...I’m literally just thinking out loud...and by out loud, I mean on paper...and by on paper, I mean on my screen. Good Lord, I’m already rambling. 

So, it’s Sunday. I woke up early, all on my own, and I essentially have the entire day free. Aren’t these kind of days totally awesome? They are rare and wonderful and I just don’t want to miss the good glory of it. So, I woke up at 7:27am and the only thing I *have* to do today is meet wonderful friends for dinner who are flying in from out of town. That’s happening at 6pm.

That means that I have approximately 10 hours before I have to leave for the dinner... and let’s say 9 hours of TOTAL FREE TIME myself an hour to get ready...which is a lie...I’m going to spray some dry shampoo in my hair and probably do my makeup in the car because that’s how I roll. 

So, that leaves me with 9ish hours to do whatever I want. So let me recap and bring you up to speed on what I’ve done:

  • Went for a 3 mile run...aka...week 8 of my couch to 10k training...I’m really on week 10 but didn’t feel up for running for 45 min today. Yack. 
  • Got back, ate some cereal & had coffee and chatted with a friend who is staying with me who used to live here but now she lives in Denver. (I am including so many unnecessary details but I can’t stop...)
  • Wrote in my journal. (wouldn’t you like to know…)
  • Paid some bills. (on a Sunday, I know...why Kate, why?)
  • Made lunch...really more of a brunch...but whatevs. Egg white omelette with chicken sausage, broccoli, onions and tomatoes...with a side of guacamole.
  • Showered. Even shaved my legs. Winning. (but didn’t wash my hair because of earlier said dry shampoo use. Dry shampoo is life and if I washed my hair as much as Jill did that would be my full time gig. Just washing and drying my hair would’ve taken half of my day. It’s nuts. Ahhh, again with the non-useful info. Sorry.)
  • Threw in a load of laundry. 

AND THIS BRINGS ME TO RIGHT NOW. It’s 1:51pm and I’m just not sure what to do with myself. I have a “to-do” list that I could definitely cross some things off of...doesn’t everyone always have a proverbial list of all the things I should do in my free time but never really do. Like cleaning my car, or organizing my closet, or sorting out my pile of “I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-you-papers” that have been piling up since March. Part of me wants to GSD (get sh$t done)  and the other part of me wants to lie on the couch and watch Bloodline and if I’m honest--maybe have a glass of wine...but I find this internal voice in my head telling me I should go, do, be, see, work, cross-off, hustle, etc. Instagram is not going to instagram itself you know.

Why is it so hard to rest? To say, I am enough. I have done enough. I can lie here on the couch and chill. Why do we feel so guilty about that? Also, I’ve already gotten a few things done today. Exercising, laundry, journaled, paid bills...I should be able to say to myself, “good job self. Look at what you’ve done. Go do whatever you want now. No need to cross off or document or do anything with jazz-hands.” 

All of these thoughts led me to sitting down at my computer to write this blog...and if I’m honest I wrote it for 2 reasons. One, because I get my best thinking out on a keyboard in words--it’s my way to process, to filter out all of the noise...and two, I wonder if deep down if I wrote it, then I’d feel another wave of accomplishment allowing me to finally rest. THAT’S CRAZY MAKING KATE. Gah, I should be able to rest, not because I’ve done anything, just because I’m human. 

I think with social media, we see peers going and doing and seeing and accomplishing and sometimes I’m like--cool, i’m just going to be here on the couch guys. Or sitting by the ocean, looking at the water for hours, doing nothing. And boy, that’s got to be okay. I am working on my inner dialogue. My inner voice that tells me I need to keep up. BUT IT’S A TRAP. You can’t keep up. You just have to go at your own pace. You are your own pace-setter for the race that you’re on. 

And all of this can be summarized into what I am really trying to focus on: be present in YOUR moment and don’t be anywhere else. UGHHHH. That’s so hard for me. I’m a 7 on the Enneagram and so I am always looking for the next adventure or exciting event...and I miss stuff, you guys. I miss it because I’m not always present. I literally may need a tattoo on my hand that says PRESENT...that’s how quickly I forget. When I park in a parking spot, I am thinking about  the best way to get out of the parking lot. Say wuuuuttttt? Truth. 

OOfta. If you’re still reading. Thank you. Ha...this was my way of processing and to process I normally do a lot of rambling...this was maybe even an excessive amount of rambling...even for me. 

To summarize: don’t keep up with someone else’s pace--it’s a trap and be present in YOUR moment and don’t be anywhere else. 

Alright. I’m off to go watch Bloodline. Love to you all. Thanks for being in this together with me. We really, really are, all in this together.