I've really wanted to blog more lately. But, for the life of me I can't seem to get myself to do it. I have been mulling it over in my mind relentlessly because in my heart I feel like I have so much to say...if not for others, but for my own sanity & self-care and I just CANNOT seem to do it. Arghhhh.
I will wake up with determination: "TODAY I BLOG!" I say to myself. Then one thing leads to another and something gets prioritized above me sitting down to write....and then at the end of the day I'm mad at myself and feel all "womp womp" because I didn't do what I set out in my heart to do. I end up feeling disappointed in myself and discouraged overall. But alas, my positivity remains, so I wake up and well...pretty much the same thing happens. And this cycle has been going on for the past few months.
When you're a writer, you get these pangs throughout the day--ideas you need to explore and thoughts you want to share...burdens you carry that can only be lightened by sharing. Writing them down, laying them out and looking for the familiar voices to resonate with the "yeah, me too" comments.
So...I sat with myself and tried to really think about it.
I came up with 2 things and they both involve Instagram. Instagram stole my blogging Mojo. Well, sort of.
Here's #1: I feel emotionally spent cross-posting on every social media platform. By the time I've Instagrammed, Facebooked, Tweeted and Snapchatted, it's NO FREAKING WONDER that I don't have any emotional energy to pour into a blog post. I mean, really. I've already shared a quick pic, posted a recipe, an inspirational quote or joke....Who has time for a whole blog after that?
Number #2: Instagram was the real culprit. I would get lost looking at pictures of people that I don't know. I love double-tapping on my friends and family--yes, this is all good and happy. But, I find myself scrolling through and falling down a rabbit hole of people who are strangers. Then I start comparing myself to them (friends & strangers.) These are the thoughts while falling down the rabbit hole:
"I'm not doing enough. Look how much they're doing. Look how pretty they are. Look how skinny she looks. Look how happy they are. I want to be on an exotic beach, etc etc etc."
I am comparing myself to them and it is STEALING MY JOY, PEOPLE!
And I am doing it to myself (!!!!)
That's the real humdinger. I keep choosing it. I keep picking up my phone and scrolling and scrolling and, well, you get the idea. Face in palm. Why, oh why, would I do something to myself that would steal my joy. I also think it has stifled my creative juices. When I scroll, that small voice in my head starts to shout "everybody is ahead of you" and "everyone is already writing all the words and singing all the songs" and "everyone has it together" and I start to believe it. That is dangerous territory for me...maybe for you too? When I gather my sound mind, I realize that no, Kate, that's not true. Everyone is not ahead of me (like that's even a thing) and no, Kate, all the words and songs have not been written and sung. Phew.
(Also, I'd be remiss not to say that another reason I may be a bit subconsciously apprehensive about blogging is because last year at around this time, I wrote a blog that quite literally changed the course of my year. Shortly after posting the blog, I was fired. It literally brought so much emotion into my life: anger, joy, fear, etc...pretty much all of it. So, as you can imagine, I think somewhere inside I am still recovering from the damage that caused.)
So what's the solution? How do I move forward? I have a two-step plan:
1) Post less on social & scroll less on Insta.
2) Blog more.
Wow...not rocket science, huh? But I am going to give it a whirl and dump all my thoughts and ideas on the blog. Sure, it's a little less convenient than Instagram, but I think that's where I want to build a life and community. I want to trade-in the double-tap life for the real life.